It’s been a long time

I shouldn’t have left you

Hey folks,

It's been a while.

But I’m back and what better way than to enter the stage with Aaliyah's classic song 'Try Again' featuring Timberland. I know “It’s been a long time, (we) shouldn’t have left you without a dope beat to step to” (although technically I did leave you with Jon Batiste’s beautiful ‘Don’t Stop’ in my last post). Do you forgive me? Did you even miss me for that matter? Prey do tell!

The last time I was here, I was reflecting on what a more embodied way of being might look like. A kind soul reminded that I am already quite embodied, by virtue of having to stand and liberate myself from oppressive structures much of my life in the way that sister Hagar had to in the wilderness. Thus, in reality I know nothing other than being embodied and yet I have felt muted at times. When trauma hits, the first thing we leave behind is our body, perceiving we are not safe. I have left my body on too many occasions…

Today however, I am feeling light-hearted and slightly theatrical, partly because a) I'm on summer break (I am not planning to be at my desk for very long)! and b) dear readers, I am embracing my Neuro diversity and new ways of engaging with you and with myself. I am going to ensure no part of me get’s left behind, in the name of making others feel comfortable whilst I neglect myself as is so often encouraged (Revd. Dr Carlton Turner uses the apt phrase ‘self negation’). I will no longer allow the traditions of men to dictate whether any of these conditions are real by subliminally suggesting that one must just work harder, or pray these things away or suggest that challenges such as these are due to a lack of faith or laziness. Don’t get me wrong, I have never been one to strongly identify with any label, but I can recount a myriad of awkward and painful moments of struggle, of mental and emotional distress that I have had to cover up since I was a little girl. I know what it is like to be encouraged to wake up, draw the curtains, brush one’s teeth - and face the world after being crushed by the unwitting arrogance of neurotypical behaviour. So do not be fooled by the simple, sometimes child like, jovial or warrior like exterior - I have earned this way of being!

Granted I also have a theory that some of these conditions are related to (intergenerational) trauma, that it can be miraculously transformed and "healed" but on the other hand, it might not. Even the language of healing suggests that one is somehow defective or have some secret sin according to some faith traditions. So what am I to do for the rest of my life if that's the case? Continuously prostrate myself in state of apology to appease an angry god and those who condemn with their own self righteousness?! No! Because there's no more condemnation for those who love the Lord and are called for his purpose.

Liberating the Self: Embracing Neurodiversity and Faith

I love quirky me and find it increasingly challenging to be in spaces where seriousness is equated with being dull, joyless, straight-laced, and a performative adult in behaviour. Unfortunately, most of us are riddled with unconscious biases regardless of how enlightened we appear to be. I count myself among them. Dismantling, Decolonizing, disrobing, etc., is a piece of work. Love in its fullness is the single most hardest thing, yet the most rewarding thing and I've chosen to follow the one who demonstrated it perfectly! The Christ, who walked the earth embodied as Jesus of Nazareth! Only grace can do that transformative work.

There is a complexity to living at the intersection of blackness and being female, particularly as a woman of faith and one that is Neuro Diverse at that. It's just not understood. You might get treated really badly. People might treat you as though you are foolish. You don't fit. Or on the other spectrum, you might be looked at with wonder. A novelty. Then they are disappointed when they see the light shines through a hair cracked vessel (or a larger crack if you are a wounded healer) then they run away pretending their own brokenness does not exist. We are often the artists, the prophets, truth tellers, and jesters. The ones who see that the emperor is wearing nothing. And like John the Baptist, we are the one’s that risk getting our heads chopped off because we are compelled to speak when the status quo would rather we keep our mouths shut. I personally have to rely on a great dose of wisdom to help with that!

Recently, YouTube's algorithm brought up Melanie Sykes (the Boddington Beer model from Lancashire) who has just proclaimed her late autism diagnosis. Apparently, lots of women have been masking for years! She seemed so free with her newfound revelation. Relieved. And the first thing she dropped was the shackles of working on TV. I gently divested of things that were causing me pain like this over the last ten years...but I have still had painful encounters, because I didn’t understand this diagnosis, I didn’t want to own it as ‘mine’ and I have done my self a disservice by masking my difficulties and taking the ‘s**t thrown at me, by those who should have been there to cover, love and protect me.

The amount of conversations I am having with other women around being vulnerable, whether neurodiversity, mental health, menopause, whilst black, white, indigenous, hybrid, or new creation has been refreshing and liberating. I partly feel where I'm not having those conversations, there is a slight veil of politeness and inauthenticity. Covid changed the conversation.

From Reflection to Action: Embracing Racial Justice in the Church

Before I forget, whilst I've been away, I found my way into a new post as Theological Development Officer. I am one half of a crazy brilliant partnership in our arranged work marriage of a job share. I know I'm going to grow through it in sickness and in health (ha!) My post is part of the "controversial" new racial Justice team attached to 6 dioceses in this region for the Church of England. I say controversial as some of you might remember that a post was advertised for a "Dismantling Whiteness" officer. There's never been anything like this before. EVER. So there's lots of expectations as to what we might Do, more so than Be (as though somehow this super-team will eradicate more than 400 years entrenched thinking, being and doing). First principal is to manage expectations! We are going to give it our best shot, but not dare I say it to the detriment of our well being.

It would be wise to remind ourselves that we do not battle against flesh and blood but powers and principalities because we will surely come up against much opposition fighting the good fight of justice and all that! Believe me, you have to be called to this work. Taking care of oneself and each other is paramount! Creating safe spaces to reflect and listen for the still small voice is crucial. Sometimes you don't realize a space isn't a safe until it's too late. Asking for a good dose of wisdom and discernment like Solomon did is a must! Asking you dear readers for your prayers and intercession is also a must.

I have recently been in the book of Kings, thinking about Solomon. I will be posting on that soon.

But before that, I'll soon be sending out a piece that touches on the UK riots a few weeks ago. Our hearts go out to the families who have lost those three little girls. We also stand in solidarity against hatred of any kind to All of God's people, regardless of race, gender, or faith...selah.

Wishing you well and look out for my next post soon.

Every blessing,

Natasha G

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